Freak Out in the 1st Degree

My life as I know it is almost over. Seriously. I know that sounds super-weird and ominous, but I'm finding it increasingly hard to not see life through that lens.

I graduate from NYU in 2 weeks. Two. Weeks. Literally, this seems like one of the biggest things in my life. I have been in school ever since I can remember and I don't think I ever realized that one day I would be done. I am burnt out and ready to not really ever have homework again or grades or so on...but school is still a comfort to me. While I'm in school, I'm not completely grown up, I guess. I don't have to worry as much about money because my parents are supporting me; I don't really have to worry as much about how much I get paid at my job because my parents are supporting me; I don't have to worry about having enough money for food and rent and all that because my parents are supporting me. That's all going to end in about a month though, and I'm freaking out. Budgeting is not a word that usually comes to my mind.

I also don't have a full-time job yet. I've been sending out resumes and going on interviews and meeting with contacts and going to the Career Center and pretty much everything you're supposed to do in this situation, but nothing has come to fruition yet. I know I'm going to eventually be okay and that I have backup plans and all that, but it's still really scary. I don't like the uncertainty. In my group of friends, I have always been the one with the "Great Internship" or "Great Job" or the "Really Busy, Successful One." Where did that all go? Why don't I feel like that now? Why do I feel like I'm prepared for absolutely nothing?

It sucks when your mind is simultaneously excited and scared. I am overjoyed to be almost done with school. Everything these last few weeks will be "the last" - the last final paper, the last exam, the last time I have to flash my ID, the last time I walk through Washington Square as a student...the list goes on and on. I am excited about the possibilities my life holds, the chances I can take, the opportunities I'll have. I have very strong drive and ambition, so I know I'll be fine eventually. But, for the time being, I'm scared out of my freakin' mind!

The HGN

I've alway said that I don't have a certain type of guy that I'm attracted to. I usually go for guys who are bigger than me, older than me, et cetera (mainly things based on my many neuroses). However, in the past couple years or so I've begun to realize that I DO have a type. I love Hot Gay Nerds.

In the same time that it's taken me to realize that I actually do have a type, I've also realized that the Hot Gay Nerd (HGN) is extremely elusive and hard to find. I do not define the HGN simply as "a gay guy who wears glasses." My idea of the ideal HGN is basically a cross between Jim Halpert from The Office (the best tv sitcom ever...seriously) and Stephane from The Science of Sleep. Okay, so maybe this person, in my mind, is wearing thick-rimmed emo glasses...so sue me.

I don't use Jim Halpert purely because he is awesome...though, seriously, he is. I love Jim because he is resourceful, creative and amazingly clueless. I mean, seriously, how could he not see that Pam is totally into him now? Jim - I don't care if you are dating Karen now or not - go for it with Pam! I don't care whether you, dear reader, are Team Pam or Team Karen, everyone has got to agree on the awesomeness that is Jim. I am literally at a loss for words to describe his awesomeness. Really, when I think of him, I think of a dream I had where I had sex with Jim and he promptly never spoke to me again. Only the truly awesome seem to do that.

Second, Stephane from The Science of Sleep. To me, there are 2 things that are amazing about this guy. The first being that he constantly lives in his mind. At times, it is impossible for him to distinguish between his dreams and reality. In my mind, he is incredibly smart, but that seems to be at odds with his creative side, which creates a type of inferno of craziness crossed with narcissism. Can anything be sexier? Well, yes, because on top of all this, Stephane is totally awkward. I mean, seriously, he is incredibly socially inept and has no idea how to act with this chick that he is totally in love with. I love awkwardness - mainly because I am like the King of Awkward. Talk about socially inept. Look that up in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of me. Seriously, try it.

So, I guess this is a crazy, crazy post...seeing as it is 3:30 am and I am drunkenly rambling about the type of guys that I like. Similarly, I guess this is why I don't have much luck on dating websites and such. I mostly go on those sites in an exercise of self-masochism. If I had to choose one, I suppose the moral of this story is that if you have a HGN friend who fits my oddly-specific-yet-somewhat-general description, hook me up!

I Could Buy and Sell You

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the idea of the model as commodity. It’s been rolling around in my head for a while and I guess it’s kind of an abstract concept to me that I’m trying to wrap my brain around. As someone who works in fashion, I guess a part of me understands that a model is rarely more than a human clothes hanger, but for some reason I see them as these unattainable ideals that I measure myself against.

It all started really when I watched the new VH1 show The Agency early this week. Thanks to the wonder that is Tivo, I was able to indulge my masochistic side and watch it repeatedly. In this week’s episode, there was a male model named Owen who the agents believed could be a superstar if he would only gain weight. Really, this dude was SKINNY. Like “I can see every ligament in your leg” skinny. Apparently, skinny dude are really great in Paris and Milan, but in America we just can’t swallow them as well – we like our guys with a little meat on their bones. First, this came as a huge surprise to me because I generally think of most male fashion models as really friggin’ skinny. Second, what the agents were saying to this guy seemed directly at odds with what they were telling the girls. I guess the moral of this episode was that women should not eat and men should.

Watching this episode made me SUPER angry! I mean, this dude is super hot and they’re telling him to GAIN weight? That’s not necessarily a bad thing if you’re underweight, but I was overcome with jealousy. I mean, I would be the happiest person in the whole world if someone told me that to be hot all I had to do was gain weight. Instead, I feel like I always need to lose like 30 pounds.

My therapist made a really good point in our session, though, and it started me thinking about this whole “commodity” thing. One thing that I had never noticed about that show, because I was fixating on the hotness of the models, was that the people judging the models are not hot. They are able to judge these models as commodities and their ability to sell clothes while not comparing themselves to them in the process. These people’s main concern is the marketability of the total package, not how these people compare to them. I, for some reason,
cannot make this distinction.


Later this week, I saw pictures of the Viktor & Rolf show in Paris. These crazy Dutchmen basically attached these huge metal apparatuses with lights and speakers to their models, effectively making them carry their own lighting and soundtrack with them down the runway. However, when I first saw the pictures, I thought the models were attached to huge clothing racks. To me, this was the perfect representation of this commodification idea I’ve been toying with. Seriously, what better way to highlight the fact that these people are basically clothes hangers than to make them look like they’re wearing clothes that are still hung up!

I think this idea is beginning to sink in. I mean, what are models anyway except people with exceptional genetics who are paid to be beautiful? Why do I feel such a need to live up to them? If models are just commodities, why don’t I feel this same need to live up to the newest iPod or car? Well, because, that would just be silly.

Desire #1

I know that this desire is in direct conflict with my overbearing (perhaps debilitating) urge to constantly look like I stepped out of a magazine spread and/or to be mistaken (or discovered) as a fabulously gorgeous model. However, my number one desire of late is to have a wonky eye...namely a wonky eye of the "lazy" variety. This would be especially cool if I could turn the lazy eye on and off at will. Imagine the fun you could have with eyes that look in two different directions! Spying and evesdropping would be so easy! Plus they look really crazy in an edgy, editorial way. Now thanks to the magic of the MacBook Pro's webcam, I can see what I would look like. Granted, the bulging lazy eye isn't as cute as the standard lazy eye, but still I dare to dream.